In November 1981, Dennis Poncher was in a limousine on the way to his wife’s funeral when his 15-year-old daughter announced she was pregnant. She would later run away from home for eight years. His 13-year-old son was addicted to drugs at the time. Poncher realized he needed some help.
So he tried Toughlove, an organization known for strict discipline tactics for troubled children, but he was not happy with its approach. So in March 1982, Poncher started his own group, Because I Love You (BILY).
What is BILY?
BILY is a nonprofit organization that helps parents of troubled children of all ages. The organization addresses a variety of issues from attitude problems to runaways to drug and alcohol abuse to legal issues. The goal of the group is to teach parents how to develop structure, consequences and consistency with their children.
“The first thing we tell a new parent is that if they want their child to change then the first person who needs to change is the parent,” Poncher said in an email interview in December 2010. “Any parent who has a child of any age will benefit from learning parenting skills and structure and consequences and support that we offer.”
The group currently holds meetings in 14 states and in Canada, and new groups are being formed all the time. Poncher said more than 760,000 parents and teens have been involved with BILY.
Parent groups meet weekly, and they are run by trained volunteer parents who have successfully been helped by BILY and want to give back to the community.
How is BILY Different from Toughlove?
The Toughlove program was started in 1979 by family therapists David and Phyllis York. They describe their innovative approach as "holding fast and taking a stand, recognizing that setting limits and expectations are the most loving things a parent can do for a child."
The Toughlove program has been criticized for being too strict for some parents to handle. Poncher BILY is different because it works with parents on their own level.
“Not all parents are ready to make the ToughLove moves,” Poncher said. “I consider us a ‘compassionate alternative.’ That is not to say that some tough love is not also suggested, but we never tell a parent what they should do, only what we know what has worked in the same or similar situations.”
Success Stories
Poncher and his children are one of the many success stories of BILY. After his son became sober, he helped start the BILY Too youth group program, which is available at the California location and features a certified drug counselor.
“They are both doing great now, and I owe most of their success to BILY,” Poncher said. “What price do you put on that? I will devote the rest of my life to helping others as paying it forward.”
For more information about BILY, visit their web site.
Kari Lomanno - Kari Lomanno is a high school English teacher and mother of two children ages 9 and 7. She lives in Chesapeake, Virginia with her husband ...
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